Exec Insight | April 2024
Am I a good mother?
by Aimin Huang
My son, Albert, is a medical Doctor. One day, he called me after work and told me a story. He said:” A senior Taiwanese American couple came to see me about their health issues. I explained the medical details to them slowly and leveraged my broken Chinese to help their understanding. Before they left the office, they were very grateful and said that I had a good mother who raised me so well. I nodded to agree with them. Haha, thank you, mom…”
I have asked myself this question “Am I a good mother?” many times in my life. His story has prompted me to wonder again if I have been a good mother. There were many choices I made to raise Albert would not be the ones “a good mother” would have made.
33 years ago, as a first-generation Asian immigrant to the US, I worked in a multinational company where the working environment was male-dominated and there were very few Asian engineers. I treasured the opportunity and was eager to prove my unique technical expertise which was why I was hired. I worked long hours and ensured that I exceeded the expectations of my peers and managers. My performance was ranked high.
However, that routine was broken as soon as I had my son, especially, when I became a single mother and Albert was in elementary school. Prioritization of my roles as an engineer or a mother was a constant chore in my mind. Although I was taught that a parent had a child’s interest at heart no matter what, the reality told me to balance the interests of Albert and my own.
For example, to avoid hearing “mom, I am hungry.” repeatedly when I picked him up at an after-school daycare in the evening, I grabbed any fast-foods possible (hamburger, hot dogs, pizza, fried chicken, French fries, BBQ.) on the way there. He ate his unhealthy dinner contentedly in the car while we drove home. Then the evening at home was so peaceful that I could focus on my work.
Albert loved watching sports. Once he wanted to join a basketball class after school at weekdays, I said no and explained the reason to him. I couldn’t take the risk to hire a stranger to drive him to the class and I was afraid that he could get hurt so that he would miss his school and I had to miss my work. Instead, I bought whatever video games he liked to play at home.
With my job responsibilities expanding, my global travel frequency significantly increased. I had to let Albert stay with various friends’ families while I was out of town. I was aware that it was not easy for a child to sleep in a strange house from time to time. It was literally “raising a child by a community.”
I only went once to a school open house during Albert’s school years due to my higher priority conflicts at work or traveling on business. Just that once, I happened to talk to the wrong teacher who had a student whose name was also Albert with different last name and was American Chinese as well. When my son pointed that out to me, I felt so embarrassed and I apologized to him.
Whenever I think about those Stories, I feel that a good mother would have done better or differently. However, I realize there are no perfect choices, only better ones at that moment. I am always grateful for the support and help from my friends, my teams at work, and all the people in our lives.
Albert has turned out fine. He admits that he has a “rich” youth experience with a busy mother, but he has learned to value a good work ethic and to understand trade-offs while making decisions. We have maintained a good relationship. I do hope that I have been a good enough mother for Albert!